Barbie Loses Her Ken. Sigh. And Tuna is Still Fish, Not Chicken

Ok, now I’ll talk about Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo, but only because John Mayer got involved. Sometimes, when I reflect on my life and think about all the things that are going astray, a single thought comes into my head- at least I’m not Jessica Simpson.  And it’s true, because when things get bad you have to remind yourself that Jess has always had it slightly worse. Sure, she has millions of dollars but she’s also had her divorce basically broadcasted on national television (not to mention her stupidity), has been seen as the scarlet A for the Dallas Cowboys AND has Joe Simpson as a father. So in the end, would you rather have her money or a dad whose hair has so much product in it does not blow in the wind and who may or may not inappropriate touch his daughters? That’s what I thought.

Poor Jess got her heart stomped on by Tony Romo this past week on the night of her 29^th birthday. She was so upset she had to cancel her Ken and Barbie themed birthday party! Well, naturally because you can’t be Barbie and show up to the party without Ken. However, why you are having a birthday party that would equally be as acceptable for a 12 year old to have when you are on the brink of 30 is beyond me. I’ll blame that on your father, as I’m sure he had something to do with it when he helped you pick out your teeny tiny Barbie outfit.

What’s comical is what Romo’s teammate says about the breakup to Us Weekly. “I didn’t give her no flack,” Dallas safety Ken Hamlin said. “Every time I met her, I had nothing negative to say about her. She did a good job.” She did a good job? By keeping the middle of the field open and driving the ball home? This is a relationship buddy, not a Hail Mary play on the field. You do realize you are talking about a girl and not a teammate, right?

But now there is another piece to the puzzle, and his name is John Mayer. Rumors say that Romo really dumped Jess when he found text messages on her phone from John Mayer. How this is possible I don’t know, because that would mean he would have to stop Twittering for 20 seconds long enough to send the damn thing (seriously, he blows up my Twitter feed. I get it John, you have no friends).  And by looking at some of Mayer’s tweets, this can only foreshadow what he was texting to Jess. Take a looksy.

@johncmayer

-Dream-tweeting from inside my nap. This is really fantastic. I am a merman and my scales don’t start until after my balls, so, yay there.

-paying for sex in baby carrots. #thingsthatwillbelegalinthefuture

-I just made myself laugh thinking about a TV show about a time-traveling chronic masturbator.

Oh yes, good stuff. I’m sure his texts were much similar. They probably went something like this:

-“Send me pic of your boobs”

-“Can I pay you for sex in baby carrots?”

-“Can I not pay you for sex at all?”

-“Wait, forgot. . . who is this?”

Poor Jess, dumped because of John Mayer. But with every closed door another one opens and maybe, just MAYBE now that Nick and Vanessa have broken up and you are back in the market my favorite celebrity couple can get back together-and all would be right in the world again.

Jon Gosselin Knows How to Pick ‘Em

I should be writing all about Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo’s breakup…again. And on her 29^th birthday, embarrassing.  And the fact that he could barely throw a football when she was watching…terrible. But no, I won’t go into details. Instead, I’m going to talk about Jon Gosselin, because I’m obsessed with this scum man.

First off, I don’t think I’ve ever been happier to hear that rumors of Ed Hardy starting a kid’s clothing line with Jon are false. And that’s not because I can’t stand Jon and his Bluetooth, au contraire. It’s Christian Audigier who needs to crawl into a hole and never resurface. If I see one more white trash girl from New Jersey or Real Housewife walking around with his ugly tattoo shirts with the matching glittery hat, it’s going to get ugly. And I’m sorry; shouldn’t that $275 you are paying for a sweatshirt with angry tigers on it go towards something a tad more useful….lets say your children Jon??

But what really tickled my fancy this morning was the news about Jon Gosselin’s new biddy, Hailey Glassman and the fact that she was arrested. Gasp no! Trash attracts more trash?! How does this happen?! The universe is a sick, sick place I tell you.

In all fairness, the 22-year-old trollup was arrested for marijuana possession, so that doesn’t really count. I mean, come on…we’ve all been there I’m fairly certain. But regardless, Us Weekly has the deets:

“According to Jerry Minger, the communications officer at the IU Police Department, Glassman and five friends were hanging out in a parking lot at 3:18 a.m. on Oct. 2, 2005. A cop spotted the group “passing a pipe back and forth, which is consistent with marijuana,” Minger tells Us Weekly.

All six people were patted down and arrested for a variety of charges, Minger says. Glassman was arrested for possession of marijuana because she had two plastic baggies in her handbag that later tested positive for THC. One bag contained one gram, the other, 2 grams.”

Ok girl, get yours! What cracks me up the most is her mug shot.

Hailey dearest is CLEARLY high as a kite, look at this thing! She is on planet Mary Jane right now, there is now way she has any idea what is going on. Bright lights? Oooooo. And check out that use of hair product, good work on the mousse usage. I’m not going to lie; I’m starting to like this girl. Maybe she can slip Kate a mickey to loosen her up a little bit. It can’t hurt.

Love and Tucker Max…because they go together

I was a bit of a Bitter Betty Sunday, I won’t lie. After a weekend where all my friends decided to do every fun activity in one night to then have to transport myself between these aforementioned activities in the most disgusting, windy rain you’ve ever seen by Sunday, I wanted to lie in bed all day and dive face first into a pint of Ben and Jerry’s Half Baked. And I had planned to do that, until I woke up and saw how nice it was outside. Ok, I thought, Vitamin D will be good for me. I will lay in the park and people watch until I feel better about life. So I went.

I trek to the park in my people watching sunglasses, aka sunglasses that take up 89% of your face so really only the tip of your nose gets tan but you have maximum ocular privacy to blatantly stare at people, ready to get my tan on. As I lay down I realize I was laying next to the same girl I saw yesterday in the park…whom my sister and I deemed “Black Beauty.” For short, I shall call her BB. Well, BB called a friend to lay out with her today, who also brought her sweaty, panting dog along. It took about ten minutes for me to figure out that BB wasn’t at Sheep’s Meadow for some sun, ohhh no no. She was there for some tail, and I’m not talking about sweaty, panting dog’s tail.

The dog just happened to wander in the direction of a boy donning a sweat band, bronzing himself on a towel nearby. “Oh my gawddd” shrieked BB, “I am SO sorry he is bothering you!” Oh puhleeze. That is the oldest one in the book. Regardless sweatband man fell right for it. “You know, I usually don’t like little dogs…but this one is just sooo cool!” Again, vomit. Plus the fact that it’s not even her dog!

Needless to say BB and SM (sweat band man) strike up a convo as the dog chewed on his water bottle. About ten minutes later, the friend (who actually owned the dog) left, because really her job was done. Where can I find a friend like that? I mean, she could have been paid, it’s a serious possibility.

And just in case the dog didn’t seal the deal, SM immediately commented on BB’s book of choice which was a total decoy because she was reading TUCKER MAX. Ok, I admit in a sick and twisted way I liked Tucker Max, but never EVER would I bring it out in public to read.  No respectable girl does that, they just don’t. You read that shit on Christmas vacation, in your bedroom or MAYBE on a train, only if you are masking it behind a copy of The Notebook. But noo, BB brought Tucker right out in broad daylight, so she could prove to SM that she was succchhhh a cool girl because she though Tucker Max was “soo funny!” So these two are chatting about what a dick Tucker Max is and how he can’t believe he treated girls that way (newsflash: it’s a book. Tucker Max is lying) and BB is just soaking it all up.

Well, that was really enough regurgitation for me in one day. Though I have to admit, although cynical and bitter it was a bit endearing to see these two dimwits fall head over heels for each other. It reminded me of sweet, simple times where all you need is a beach towel, cocoa oil and a little bit of luck…kind of like the Jersey Shore.

More importantly, this enforces my point that I need a dog to live in this city. I just do. And it has to be a badass dog. One time I dog sat for a friend and was so excited to take my faux dog to the park and pick up some hotties, however, the only thing my rented Maltese and I attracted were old ladies with animal crackers in their pockets (not like I was complaining as they fed me animal crackers). So no Maltese, Poodles or teacup anything.

In fact, I’m going big. Like, really BIG. When I get a dog, it will be a Mastiff. Look at this thing! It’s an obese person with fur!

My dog will not only be a great conversation starter with guys and their little bitch Rottweilers, it would eat BB and her little dog too (insert evil witch laugh here)! Watch out Central Park, here I come with my furry little Yeti.

My Husband Joe is Delicious and Juicy

My heart is breaking for my biffers the Real Housewives of New Jersey! Just breaking! I haven’t been this upset since yesterday, when the Today show told me Betty White died and it wasn’t true! Whew, that was a close call…I was about one pinky toe away from letting go of the ledge. Anywho, RHoNJ…sigh, ok.

Popsquire, a Z list gossip blog (what would I know about that? Pssh nothing, that’s what) reported that Bravo has no love when it comes to my favorite armpit of the United States. In fact, they feel that New Jersey should have to pay them when it comes to filming in their beautiful, trash ridden state.

So what happened is that while Teresa was running around naked in her French chateau-esque house (because you just can’t do that in Manhattan), and Joe was busy making his daily dose of Muscle Milk, someone dug through T’s trash can and unearthed the Housewives contract with Bravo regarding their show.

Unlike most other reality shows, the contract doesn’t require Bravo to pay the ladies for their appearances. Well, the nerve! Those bubbies don’t pay for themselves I will let you know. In addition, the Housewives have to pay Bravo 10% of any and all income related to the show for up to FOUR YEARS after the last episode of the series airs. This could be why we don’t see these ladies out in public; they are sitting on their asses at home so they can hold on to their mob charity money.

However, Bravo does throw them a bone. They don’t film them peeing, showering or having sex.  On behalf of the human race Bravo, I thank you.

Some poor intern had to scan the entire trash infested document onto the Internet, so here it is. I especially enjoy clause 9g:

“I and others may reveal or relate information of a personal, private, surprising, defamatory, disparaging, embarrassing or unfavorable nature that may be factual or fictional.” AKA If you are not that interesting, feel free to make some shit up (cough cough, Danielle).

“My appearance, depiction, and portrayal in connection with the Series and my actions and the actions of others in connection with the Series, may be disparaging, defamatory, embarrassing or of an otherwise unfavorable nature, may expose me to public ridicule, humiliation or condemnation, and may portray me in false light” (Danielle, pumpkin, next time read the fine print).

Basically, Bravo is saying we are going to make assholes out of all of you, and you are just going to have to suck it up. The contract also states that anyone who signs it is in good physical, mental and emotional health. I mean, really? Do they think we watch them because they are in good mental and emotional help? No, we watch because they are train wrecks.  No wonder the husbands were MIA, I don’t think their mob bosses would want the business portrayed in “false light.”

I Didn’t Know They Gave Rings Out in the Holocaust?

You know, I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for Lilo. The poor girl becomes a lesbian and then gets her little heart trampled all over; it just makes me want to weep. I also feel bad for her tanning spray Sevin Nyne and the fact that she thinks the number “9” is spelled Nyne…it’s just tragic.

But no more will I lie awake at night fretting over Lindsay, no! She has done the unthinkable…turned down the role of Jade the stripper in The Hangover aka the greatest movie ever made.

According to Us Weekly, “director Todd Phillips approached Lohan to star in the hit flick — which has raked in $205 million so far — after their mutual agent campaigned on the actress’ behalf.”

“The agent tried hard to get Phillips to consider her,” says the source, “and when he finally agreed, Lindsay said she didn’t like the script!”

Seriously?! SERIOUSLY!? You lack intelligence, I’m sorry, there’s just no other way to put it. And even if you didn’t think the movie would be funny, why would you not want to spend months rubbing your Sevin Nyne tanner on Bradley Cooper’s chest? Lesbian or not, he is a fine piece and you know it.

I’d like to dwell more on this, but I have to go grovel for employment. So instead, I leave you with Stu’s song, a beautiful melodious piece about love, life and the pursuit of Doug.

Independence Day Means Freedom from Sarah Palin, oh and Your Own Personal Freedom I Guess…

The weekend of independence is past us, and I, eating hamburgers the size of my face and drinking margaritas poolside am once again happy to be American.  But before the fireworks were lit this weekend and your Uncle Joey passed out in a lawn chair wear stars and stripes sunglasses, Sarah Palin dropped a huge bomb when she said she would not be up for re-election for governor of Alaska and was in fact, planning on resigning.

Now, I’m not going to sit here lying to you saying that I’m heartbroken for the state of Alaska, because I’m not. I do not enjoy Sarah Palin except when I need a good laugh. She is the equivalent to the act of cow tipping for me (or shall we say moose tipping, can you tip a moose?).  You know its stupid to go stand in a field of cows all night, but something about waiting for them to fall asleep and then see them knock over flat on their back just never gets old. Every time Sarah Palin opens her mouth, I wait for her to tip over on her back, and when that doesn’t happen the words coming out of her mouth are equally as amusing.

With her resignation one word pops into my head: scandal. Why, would a woman who was terrifyingly close to becoming vice president and who has discussed running for president in the next election, unload her shotgun and call it a day? It simply doesn’t make sense. The following reasons below are possible scenarios to way Palin is stepping down.

1. Sex tape. It could happen. Her and John McCain? Ew, I almost vomited just typing that. But it could happen. And her defense would be something retarded like she felt she was being forced to experience socialism because of Obama, or she was confused because she wasn’t in Alaska where it never gets dark and mistaked John for Todd and now all cities should enforce 24 hour electricity.
2. She wants to Twitter more and just can’t get around to it with all of her governmental duties. Right now she Twitters about fishing a lot, because that’s what people really care about. Salmon.

@AKGovSarahPalin:

“Grateful Todd left fishing grnds to join me this wkend; but now he’s back slaying salmon & working the kids @ the site; anxious to join ‘em!”about 22 hours ago from TwitterBerry

1. The girl honestly just wants to belly up on her porch with a Bud and her rifle, shooting quail, or whatever flies in the skies over there in Wasilla. I’m all for some hibernation, but if you’re going to blame the media for quitting, that really just doesn’t cut it. Wasn’t John McCain blamed for having an illegitimate black child? Not to mention Obama was made out to be a terrorist for about half of his campaign. If you’re going to play with the fellas Sar, you really gotta get some balls.  If you want to shoot quail, just say so. I bet people would be happy with that decision than the idea of you doing mysterious things in the other 48 states that you claim to be doing.
2. She wants to get new glass frames, but it scared the public might not approve.
3. Hillary Clinton and Matt Damon sent her a bag of poop on her doorstep and a death note.  I’d throw in the towel after that too.

1. She is deciding to use her free time to pick a newspaper and read it. Suddenly, scanning NY Times “Most Blogged About” isn’t cutting it for her anymore.

Sadly I do not think this will be the last we hear from Palin, but I hope it is. Until she resurfaces, I will entertain myself with my other favorite Republican: Meghan McCain.  Like in this clip, when she gets railed by Bill Maher and Co. Thank you Meghan for filling the void in my heart that was once amused by Sarah Palin.

JoBro Gets a Wifey…Odd

Never in my life have I been more confused than I was yesterday to learn that a Jonas Brother got engaged. And it’s not even the one who dates Camille Belle! I must have re read this story about 75 times but before that, as soon as I looked at this Jonas girl, I whispered “Jerseyyyy.” And the sick thing was, I was right, she IS from New Jersey! It’s like I have a sixth sense or something… I can smell a Jerseyite from a mile away. It was the crunchy hair that gave it away this time.

The fiancée, Danielle Deleasa (aka North Jersey, could she possibly be related to a cast member of Real Housewives of New Jersey?) “said yes, yes, yes like 500 times super fast in a row,” the oldest of the Jonas Brothers told People. Well no shit JoBros. She is trading in her gel tips for a small chunk of your teeny bopper fortune; of course she is going to say yes.

What is even more amusing is how they met. Because of course Danni didn’t even know who the Jonas Brothers are! Sure. You must be blind, deaf, not have a radio or TV. I think even my 85 year old grandfather knows who the Jonas Brothers are and he no longer has cable since we switched to digital.

Anyway, People tells us how they met. Brace yourself—she’s a hairdresser.

“When Deleasa, a former hairdresser, first met Jonas two years ago, she admits, “I didn’t know who the Jonas Brothers were.” It was Kevin who eagerly pursued her after meeting her and then spotting her walking on the beach with a flower in her hair. “

If I saw this guy running up to me on the beach I would do one of three things:

1. Run
2. Write him a prescription for ACNE medicine
3. Ask him if he was lost and looking for his parents

I would not give him my number.  But to each his own. So much for that purity ring. Something tells me Danni girl does not wear a chastity belt.

Happy Fourth of July weekend everyone! Try not to light yourself on fire with fireworks.