It has come to my attention through several in depth facebook stalkings that many people in the 21-23 age range whom my friends and I went to high school with are getting engaged. It always boggles my mind when people our age get engaged, probably because I can barely support my own drinking habits right now let alone someone else’s. And because I simply just cannot understand why someone would decide right now is the perfect time in their life to stop binge drinking with a bottle of yellowtail and their friends on a Friday night and instead start a joint Netflix log together, I have developed a list of why people are getting engaged so young.
1. Where you live is so boring, you honestly have nothing else to do. I come from a state where they hook you in with no sales tax. On top of that, everything you will ever need to see or do is in a 3 mile radius, and that is supposed to excite you-not make you claustrophobic. So I could see after 22 straight years of life here, I might want to wife it up too. Living in New York, you rarely see 22 and 23 year olds running around with rings on their fingers. Why? Because there is shit to do here, like black out and fall asleep on the subway, meet an exotic businessman in the Meat Packing District or put your shoes in the middle of a circle and dance it up with your gay friends in a Chelsea bar. We simply just don’t have time to get engaged. We also don’t really want to. When you live in a city with a million people, we like coming home to an empty apartment.
2. One of the people in the relationship is way more attractive than the other person. Hey, it happens and if this is you I actually applaud you for locking it up-it is a phenomenal defense strategy. Kudos to you—your children will one day thank you when they don’t end up looking like Elmer Fudd.
3. You’ve been together so ridiculously long, that not getting engaged isn’t really an option. You think “we’re basically married already, what would be so different?” I’ll tell you what will be different. A girl engaged is a woman possessed, and I have no doubt that if this day ever comes for me I will be no different. Soon you will be dragged along like a tea cup poodle to every floral store and Papyrus in a 100 mile radius of your home that you start to second guess you r decision on not sleeping with her best friend senior year. You will have nightmares of seating assignments and dinner options so often you will think you’re on an episode of Bridezillas. And if you live in New Jersey, open your eyes and look for a cameraman, because you actually might be.
4. You do it just to spite everyone. You know your friends hate your boyfriend and your family thinks you could never be happy together so you are bound and determined to show them all wrong and scream your undying love for each other from the mountaintops. People who do this are dumb. Really dumb. I call this the Speidi syndrome. If you think to yourself, “well Heidi and Spencer don’t get along and they did it, why can’t we?” you should reevaluate your life. First of all, if you are comparing your matrimony to any aspect of The Hills, we’ve got a bigger problem. Second, Heidi and Spencer make millions of dollars to fight and look like they hate each other. Do you think they actually fight like that all the time? No. They sit in their pristine white apartment, counting their green money and laugh about putting on a good show. You aren’t on a reality show and therefore, no one will pay to see you two fight. Instead, you will pay to get a lawyer for your divorce.