Cuchini…Our Lips are Sealed

Ever since the double razor/bikini trimmer came out, there has been an influx of random and embarrassing female hygiene and maintenance products. While most of them are hilarious, it makes you wonder who sits around thinking of stuff like this all day and then gets paid for it. Disturbing. I decided to do my own research and highlight my finds below.

 Schick Quattro Trimstyle Razor– Ok, so many people have knocked this and everyone has the panties in a bunch because feminists think the commercial it is degrading to women or some ish. I think it is hilarious. I mean, don’t get me wrong I by no means own one but it is pretty amusing that someone came up with the idea of this. I like to think the inventor of this magical razor had a freak bad waxing accident, and decided to never again return to a salon for this type of maintenance.

 

Then I found this gem! At first, I thought the only commercial for this razor was this one with the ladies walking past shrubbery that magically groomed itself.

 

So everyone is all astonished this got on the air, I don’t know I guess I’m not girly enough, but I think it’s fine. THIS however it absolutely LOLable. Good for you Schick. I still don’t want one but maybe I would buy one for a friends birthday if need be.

 

 

 Cuchini-This thing is absolutely absurd. I saw it while watching Chelsea Lately the other night (no, I’m not ashamed) and decided to do some more investigating. I hope you are sitting down. This female product assists ladies in the area of Camel Toe. I swear to G. You put it in your underwear and it makes it disappear!

 cuchini_pad

After seeing this ridiculous thing, I went to the Web to find out more. First of all, it is $15. That is at least three beers at happy hour and by that point, people will be too drunk to notice your camel toe if you indeed do have one.  Even more, the creators of this wonderful tool are to very frosted blondes who are most likely straight out of Jerz. Their site has a mascot, a camel in a bikini that looks like it is on steroids. The heading says “Cuchini…Our Lips Are Sealed” (umm ew). If that isn’t enough to make you pee your pants, this video on the site certainly will. If you need a Cuchini you should probably just buy bigger pants.

 

This is just depressing. The My Guy Pillow from the site ShopinPrivate.com (thank heavens I’m doing this post in the safety of my own home and not at anywhere remotely corporate) is a pillow that looks like a jacked man, complete with arms. And the arms are detachable! And in case you don’t know how to use a pillow, the item description gives you all of the benefits to The My Guy Pillow.

myguy

“This is the answer to all marriage problems. Say you have a guy that you love, but he’s definitely a “man” and has all the typical “man traits.” If you don’t want to leave him, but you want your needs taken care of, try this suggestion.

Just get one of these My Guys and pull him out from under the bed whenever you need to. Like, if your man is watching the sports game in the living room and his eyes won’t peel away from it. Just take your My Guy into your room and put on that mushy, romantic movie you rented that he hasn’t wanted to watch with you. Then make some popcorn, and cuddle up with Mr. Sensitive Cuddly Man!”

I have so many comments about this right now. Can you imagine moving in with your roommate and walking past her bedroom only to see her cuddling with a fake man pillow? That is a Craigslist nightmare waiting to happen. If you buy this pillow and you are single, you can probably expect to stay that way indefinitely. And if you aren’t single, I guarantee you will be about .5 seconds after your boyfriend catches you cuddling with this. Though I do enjoy the detachable arms, clever.

Don’t be fooled, you will not erase your sexual history with these Liquid Virgin Drops, like I thought upon first glance. Instead, it makes you feel tighter (again, ew) and more virginal (is that even a word?). The item description is hilarious because the person who is writing it is totally prejudging anyone who buys this disgusting thing.

 virgin

“It is Similar to the age-old China Shrink cream. These drops work to temporarily tighten the walls of the vagina. I have never tried it but our sales representative says they work. I didn’t ask how she knew.

The directions say to apply a few drops to the desired area 15 minutes prior to any activity for desired results and moisturization.”

 

This thing costs $15! I have a simpler solution-stop sleeping with so many people.

 

I think that is about all I can stomach right now, I’m sure this list will expand in due time.

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