Ohhh my the weekend. One of the many double edged swords of not having a job is that your life quickly becomes one big long weekend if you don’t put your foot down. This week, my foot was not down, not even a little bit. In fact, it was straight up in the air, because I was toppled over, drunk. And I am definitely not bragging as I think I look like Heidi Klum when I’m drunk but in reality probably look more like RuPaul. Anyway, in celebration of Cinco de Mayo, one of my favorite holidays to celebrate the life of Jose Cuervo I decided to really make it a celebration and not just celebrate on Cinco de Mayo, but to celebrate for cinco days. I feel disgusting, and I’m pretty sure if another drop of alcohol enters my bloodstream my liver is going to strap on some stilettos and strut right out of my body.
But there were many reasons to drink this weekend (as if we need reasons anymore, pssh). Mostly because there were a ridiculous amount of naked celebrities popping up all over the Internet. Like, simultaneously as if they were all sitting together saying “1 2 3…send!” First, the Cassie pictures surfaced, and I’ll be honest I was not at ALL ready to see her business. A friend sent me the pictures and if you haven’t seen them yet, don’t eat lunch until after you do because I spit out my coffee all over my laptop and now my fingers stick to the keys when I type, good times. Cassie, WHO exactly are you posing for?! And WHY?! Is your gift of song not enough for the world, we need to see your lady bits too? So I drank to forget Cassie’s nakedness.
And then there was Rihanna. Poor Ri Ri, my heart is bleeding as I type this. Rihanna decides to do some naked snapshots for “Boyfriend of the Year” Chris Brown and somehow they magically got leaked. If you didn’t think Chris Brown was an ass before he has just confirmed that fact for everyone else because he obviously had to forward that ish to at least one person for this to happen. I simply don’t believe in the hacker theory, much like I don’t believe Jon from Jon and Kate Plus 8 slept over a 23-year-old student’s house because they were “friends.” Anyway, the pictures are of Ri Ri taking explicit pics of herself in the bathroom sporting a nipple ring (!) annddd not much else. Her reps say that since it doesn’t show her face so you can’t conclude that it is Rihanna. So we have to say that the alleged “Rihanna” is posing freak nasty for her boy toy. The best picture in my opinion is the last one of Chris Brown wearing her underwear on his head. You are a jackass. Her label asked for the pictures to be removed, calling it a violation of the “artist’s rights” a.k.a. Jay-Z is not a happy camper. So I drank for Rihanna, because I feel bad for the girl, she just can’t get a break.
So really, my binge drinking was a completely selfless act…I did it for others, and my suffering as I sit here Sunday night feeling like I should enroll in the next season of The Biggest Loser is worth it because it was for the good of Ri Ri…I can live with that.
I also drank because this terrible Matthew Williamson commercial drove me to. Love him; love his clothes, the commercial? Ehh not so much. The pink pony is giving me nightmares and I feel like I just took a hit of acid.