Last night something happened that I have been waiting all month for. The Real Housewives of New Jersey premiered! I cannot tell you how happy this made my night. It was everything I hoped for and more. Fake nails, big hair, tanning, sparkle lip gloss–it brought my right back to what I consider my motherland (I feel like going to school there for four years is basically citizenship). After watching these guido-tastic ladies get all dolled up for an hour I have now created the Real Housewives of the Dirty Jerz Drinking Game, because it just needs to happen. Play along and before you know it you may blackout only to find yourself wake up in a tanning booth with Benny Benassi on blast repeat in your headphones.
The Real Housewives of the Dirty Jerz Drinking Game
Drink every time…
-Dina talks about “bubbies” (that is Jersey for boobs, I believe)
-You hear Teresa talk about wanting bigger bubbies.
-You see a Housewife eye bang the ish out of Caroline’s oldest son, Albie. You can also drink if you catch yourself doing it because let’s face it- he is pretty to look at.
-Drink every time you see the preview were Caroline says “Let me tell you something about my family, we are as thick as thieves!” That one scene alone is bound to be played at least 305 times during the course of the season.
-Whenever Danielle goes on a date with a strange, sketchy man, or attempts to.
-Any time Jacqueline nervously laughs, as she tries not to get stabbed in her sleep by Dina and Caroline for talking to crazy cradle robber Danielle.
-Any time any of the Housewives look at jewelry, talk about jewelry or try jewelry on.
-Whenever Teresa tries to apply “gloss” on her infants.
-Every time Dina says, “blood is thicker than water.”
-When Danielle works out in a bra, or walks around basically naked.
-Any time the girls talk about tanning or go tanning. It will happen.
-Every time you see a Housewife in a salon, drink. This will happen at least twice an episode.
-Each time Bravo shows the Housewives driving through the Jerz in their matching Hummer-like cars. Did they all go car shopping together?
-Every time Teresa or her husband recite their favorite motto: “Happy wife, happy life.”
-Any time you see the Brownstone pop up…oh hey free advertising.
If you aren’t in the mood to completely blackout on a Tuesday you can also play the Non-Drinking Game of the Real Housewives of the Dirty Jerz:
Drink every time…
-You see Danielle’s eyebrows move. This will never happen because her face has more Botox in it than all the plastic surgeon’s offices in New Jersey have combined, and therefore you will be very sober.
-You see Dina’s husband. I predict this will happen two times max this season.
-Albie brings home a girl Caroline actually likes. Again, never happening.