This weekend was quite the busy bee weekend for me!! I moved a whopping six blocks and two avenues downtown, which in reality felt like I was moving from North Carolina to Egypt with the amount of willpower this all took. But finally, after numerous hours of sweating, unpacking boxes, more sweating and hanging curtains we are all moved into our little saloon. If you thought being unemployed was boring, imagine being unemployed in an apartment, with no living room furniture yet and no cable (gasp!). And with the job boards a tad on the slower side this week, I thought it might be time to get a little creative regarding my future employment ventures. Because sadly, the government will one day stop paying for me to live. So here are my possible employment possibilities. Disclaimer: they are pretty bleak, so prepare yourself.
-Temping: I sort of tried to do this already to try to prevent myself from dying as a result of total and utter boredom. The man at the temp agency was very lively, a middle aged Irish man who clearly liked to have a beer (or seven) after the work day. And what’s even better is that he lovedddd my resume. Loved. Couldn’t stop talking about how great it was that I had so much experience and oh yay look at me. “You shouldn’t be here!” he said. Thank you Captain Obvious. He then asked me what I though my starting salary somewhere should be. So I told him. “Oh NO!” he yells, “You should be getting much more than that!” Why thank you sir, but yet I don’t see you emptying your pockets into my hands. End of story—he said he would call if something comes up that “fits.” I have yet to hear from my little drunk Irish friend.
-Waitressing: This sadly after compiling my list of yays and nays is probably the most realistic avenue to go. I tried my hand at waitressing a few summers ago and I won’t lie, I had a pretty damn good time. It was like being paid to go out. You talked to different tables, made them smile, batted your eyelids and went home with a nice big ‘ol tip. However, my one problem with this industry is that is rings close to incest amongst the staff workers. Everyone dates everyone, in a sick, secret cult sort of way. And you better know who is hooking up with who, because if not, you certainly will not be invited out to the local dive bar after work, and no one wants that. Keeping tabs on everyone eventually gets exhausting and soon, you’ll lie awake at night consumed by the thought of your General Manager and busboy having a secret gay love affair. No thanks.
-Babysitting: While this may seem like the easiest thing to do, babysitting secretly makes me want to pee my pants. Something about being responsible for the wellbeing of a child, especially in New York City where taxi’s can basically drive on the sidewalk if they really want to, frightens me. Plus, I am in no way shape or form CPR certified. I used to be back in my babysitting prime and when I was a lifeguard, but those days are long gone. And I’ll be honest; I lied about being certified the last year I was a lifeguard. LIED. Small children’s lives were at stake and I was in the back of the boiler room smoking a gravity bong. Lifeguarding is basically babysitting, in case you were wondering because mother’s drop their kids off at the pool all day and just expect you to deal with their bullshit. So no, I think it is best for everyone that I don’t take up babysitting again, I barely got through it the first time.
-Dog Walking: This profession has amazed me ever since I have discovered these fine men and women in the park during the weekdays. When I think “dog walking” I think of someone walking their neighbor’s poodle for a couple of bucks. I was wrong. These freaks of nature have about 17 leashes wrapped around their hands as they parade around the city with people’s pets! And they aren’t all poodles, it’s like Goldilocks and the Three Bears….some are small, some are big and some are humans with fur. I am definitely not skilled enough to do this and would positively loose someone’s animal. This is sad, because I actually do like dogs (only the kind that can fit in your purse).
-Grad School: Ugh. Vomit. I just threw up in my mouth just typing the word. No.
-Teaching: Many people up and quit their jobs to become a teacher; it’s like the new cool thing to do. And while I have thought of this route…there is a period where they train you for no money, if you do a teaching program—so you know, I don’t really enjoy that. But the other main factor is that I don’t know if I would be any good at teaching. And this isn’t me throwing myself a pity party, but this job would go one of two ways…I would either rock at it and take over PS116, or my students would all fail the 6th grade and end up in jail. While I don’t really like to explain things to people (“2+2 is 4…why? It just is!”) I loveee having minions. I was the Pledge Master for my sorority in college and I had an absolute hay day…it was great having people follow you around, shouting orders and being worshipped so in this regards I think I would train my students to be lean mean learning machines! But then there is that thing where I can’t even do simple addition…sigh.