This weekend took an enormous amount of energy out of me. I’ve had about seven cups of coffee and I still catch myself looking at my bed, giving it yearning eyes for a nap. Last night I felt much like Bret Michaels at the TONY awards, just tuckered out and knocked off my feet.
Yet I don’t blame Brett Michaels, or even Poison. They don’t need nothing but a good time, and I appreciate that. I blame this wedding. Not the actual wedding, because I immensely enjoyed getting drunk off someone else’s dollar, but everything up to the reception. I am exhausted because really, I shouldn’t be at a 23 year old’s wedding yet, because they shouldn’t be getting married! To prove this, I collected several notes from the events of this weekend.
-I already stated this, but upon picking up the blushing bride-to-be, the husband-to-be was high as a kite. I can spot red, scratchy marijuana eyes from a mile away and this kid looked like either his entire family was suddenly wiped out in a tsunami, or he was high. Since I saw mom and dad at the wedding, I’m going to go with the latter on this one. I sincerely hope that if I ever get married, my fiancé is bringing me a different kind of plant, one with petals and goes in a vase, not a bowl.
-The apartment: Oy. How do I say this delicately…it made frat houses look clean. I got tested for swine flu the next day after stepping into this place—it was filthy. I’ve lived with 9 girls in college, so I know filthy, but this really went above and beyond. Even the dog was gross. If you can’t stop you pug from peeing on your carpet, maybe you shouldn’t be on the path to marriage and babies, where children will one day pee on your carpet.
-The rehearsal dinner: Husband to be immediately walks into the room to sit with his frat friends, leaving wifey to fend for herself. He then forgot to thank everyone for coming and only remembered when the Best Man stood up and said, “Husband would like to say something…”
-Wedding day: At the rehearsal dinner, the minister who would be conducting the ceremony was basically running a small boot camp. He barked at us, told us not to lock our knees during the wedding, smile, be on time and for the bride and groom he threatened to not marry them if they didn’t stop drinking by midnight the night before the wedding. Apparently you can’t marry someone who is legally drunk, which must only be a rule in Pennsylvania because I’m pretty sure chapels in Vegas would go bankrupt if that was the case everywhere. Nonetheless this was Sgt. Minister’s final commandment. What does the groom and his band of merry groomsmen do come wedding day? GO TO A WINERY. What did I do wedding day. Tied ribbons on wedding favors I until my fingers bled. It must be really nice to be a man sometimes.
-The vows: Bride and husband wanted to write their own vows. I can respect that. However, at the rehearsal dinner the bride keeps giving me the shifty eye and finally, I had to ask her what exactly she was doing.
Bride: “You write!”
Me: “Well, I can write….”
Bride: “Can you help me write my vows? I haven’t done them yet and husband has had his done for weeks.”
Keep in mind, this is the first time I have seen mentioned bride in about six years, and the first time ever I have met husband-to-be. She ending up writing her vows at 4:30…the ceremony started at 5:30. They went something like this:
“Dear husband-today we’re getting married-yay!”
Granted, his were not much better. He talked about how in high school he wanted to find someone who was funny, with dark hair and her boobs could be real or fake. He was glad she met the criteria. I kid you not, he said the boob part. Deep stuff.
-Other highlights of the wedding that convinced me that no one was really ready for this wedding were the speeches given throughout the course of the day. I call this the trifecta speech of doom.
1. The minister talked about divorce in his homily. DIVORCE. At a wedding. He said that 50% of marriages end in divorce and as the audience we are responsible for making sure these two dimwits stay married. Uhh, excuse me? How am I responsible to make sure she doesn’t get slutty drunk and he keeps it in his pants for the next 60 years? Considering half of the bridal party hasn’t lived in the same state as the bride for at least three years, I’m fairly certain that’s no going to happen Sgt. Minister. But thanks anyway.
2. The Best Man speech. This was my personal favorite—
Best Man to crowd: “The day I met wife, I told husband to get rid of her immediately, drop her like a bad habit.”
*crickets from the audience*
“Uhh, well I see that didn’t happen…but wife you look beautiful tonight. Congrats to you both.”
3. The bride’s father, bless his little heart was too drunk and way too nervous to do a speech by the time it was his turn. So he gets up there and puts his best foot forward. It was going well, until he just couldn’t seem to stop himself. He talked about meeting the groom’s father “in the bathroom” telling him, in front of 175 people, “it’s ok to be soft sometime, Larry.” Worst case of word vomit ever. I spit my water out on the bridesmaid sitting next to me. She was displeased.
Nonetheless, I had a great time. And if I don’t get married I’m thinking about marrying myself so I can get lots of money and get all my friends drunk at the same time.