For about the past month, my sleeping patterns have really gone haywire. This is probably a result of having no mental and sometimes physical activity in a given day, as I do not have to get up and do anything even remotely productive sans employment. Literally, I could just sit in my apartment all day with the lights out and not one person would think twice about it. I never do this because it would be creepy and now I have an equally jobless roommate so she would also probably be a bit concerned. But I could, if I wanted to.
Due to this inactivity of my poor brainwaves I cannot sleep at night. I am slowly turning into a full fledge insomniac. And my usual methods of drowsiness are failing me left and right! I am now completely immune to Tylenol PM, Nyquil or any other type of medicine that is supposed to knock you off your ass. Even drinking doesn’t do it! The other night I polished off an entire bottle of wine and at 4am was doing the downward dog in my living room because I could not sleep!
I figure if I have this problem, millions may have it too and thus I present to you the Insomniac Game similar to a drinking game, but something to do for when your eyelids are ready to paint the town red. The following are a series of thought and mental exercises I do to force myself to sleep. Does it work? Not really, but it’s extremely entertaining while you lay in bed staring at your ceiling.
-Sheep counting: I’m over the traditional white sheep jumping over fences, which just wasn’t cutting it for me. Instead, I give my sheep different colors on their coats, and sometimes they are wearing little booties on their hooves. This makes it much more interesting to see what sheep is going to jump out at you next-you just never know. Will it be a pink sheep? How about purple? What about a MURPLE sheep! (that’s a hybrid of maroon and purple, a very rare breed). And sometimes people are riding the sheep over the fences, and I’ll be honest, sometimes the sheep don’t make it over the fence as I count them. This is my favorite because they take a running start and leappppp into the air, only to crash head first and stumble backwards. Sometimes when this happens I literally giggle out loud. But when your dumbass sheep crash into the fence, you have to start counting all over again. See—it’s a game!? Sick, yes I know.
-When I had a life, I would go over everything I did in said day, which usually tuckered me right out. However, since that list has now been cut in half basically, I map out every minute detail down to what underwear I wore that day. I start at breakfast, think about pouring my cereal, and keep going down to how many ice cubes I put in my water at dinner. This will either bore you to sleepdom, or give you a mild case of OCD. I hope it’s the former for my case.
-I always tell myself that the next time I can’t sleep; I am going to go for a run. However, I live in New York and we all know what happens to people who go running in the middle of the night. They don’t come back. However when I didn’t live in mug central, I enjoyed this route except when it made me sleep until 3pm, and then it became a recurring problem so use sparingly.
-This next one is a bit depressing. You can’t get excited about anything, I’m serious. If you have a big weekend coming up or your birthday is around the corner don’t think about it! It’s like waiting for Santa to come Christmas Eve; you’ll never sleep a wink. Sometimes I think about Anna Wintour calling me to be the Executive Editor of Vogue, and then I imagine calling my mom and telling her the news and then going to Barney’s to buy new work clothes and then I’m all hopped up and picking out my first day of work outfit in my head and then before you know it….the sun is up. I am now tired and have an imaginary job, good work. I’m not saying you have to think about killing kittens to get you to sleep, but try to create a different mental imagine for yourself that isn’t you winning the lottery or something of the same nature.
If by the time I get to step 4 and I realize sleep is just not happening, I watch reruns of Gossip Girl and call it a day. Happy slumbering!