Last night might have been both the saddest and happiest night of my life. Though it was the last night for the Real Housewives of New Jersey, it was easily the most entertaining 60 minutes of my day, and perhaps my week. I doubt you missed it but if you did…Danielle brought THE BOOK to a dinner party and basically all hell broke lose. THE BOOK, of course is referring to the book Cop Without a Badge, in which her ex boyfriend, an FBI informant writes that Danielle, whose name at the time was Beverly Mitchell was basically a big ho bag that slept with married men and kidnapped people for drugs and money. No biggie.
Well, the housewives simply would NOT have this. Especially Theresa. She was just appalled that Danielle/Beverly would sleep with married men. Forget the kidnapping, the thought of another woman rubbing up on her little sausage husband Joe was just too much for Theresa and her coiled hair. Between that and the overload on mousse she just couldn’t take it anymore and went batshit on Danielle, flipping tables over. I think Danielle was scared, however with so much Botox in her forehead it was hard to tell which emotion she was displaying. But she was definitely scared, confused or hungry.
Since I have grown so close to the ladies of Franklin Lakes and their “bubbies,” or lack thereof I wanted to give them a few parting words to let them know how much I truly enjoyed downing a bottle of wine every Tuesday and watching them this season. And while I am convinced their husbands are all in the mob and therefore did not want to be on camera, the ladies held their own quite nicely.
-Caroline: You my friend, are simply put a badass. And while many of your friends’ husbands could not appear on TV, Big Al seemed to have no problem making an appearance or two. This is because he is most likely the head of the mob and therefore I equate him to Tony Soprano. It doesn’t matter if people see him because he is untouchable. I appreciate you have wild German Sheppards protecting your home as much as I appreciate the fact that you almost clipped Danielle’s fingers off with a pair of hedge clippers for blaming your sister for showing THE BOOK around. I also appreciate the fact that you produced Albie, and I hope your other less attractive son always gets the car wash/strip club combo he’s always dreamed of. LYLAS.
-Dina: In a fight I believe Dina would be scrappy, and I like that about her. She’d be the one pulling your hair while at the same time trying to poke your eyeball out with her fake nail. And while I am uncertain if her husband is in fact “traveling” (how much traveling does one do to run a facility where banquets take place?) or just in the slammer, she keeps her big “bubbies” just to please him. That’s sweet. And although your daughter looks more like a mother than you do Dina, I think it’s nice you two frolic together all day. If you ever want to go to the salon together, I’m free.
-Jacqueline: Jac, I am going to be frank with you for a moment. For a short time I thought you might end up swimming with the fishies or in the trunk of a Cadillac after shit hit the fan at Theresa’s dinner party. I know you think telling the truth is doing the right thing, but sweetheart, have you met Caroline’s German Sheppard? I also hear you are pregnant, yay.com for you! Not only can you finally have another baby, but it was a smart move on your part, as the family would probably feel bad throwing you in the Hudson with child. Especially if it’s a boy, god forbid!
-Danielle: You facial features are frightening, and I think it is fair to say you may need to stop getting Botox so that you can start saving for when your children need a therapist, because it’s bound to happen soon. I don’t really want to speak too ill of you as you were arrested for kidnapping, so that is that. Best of luck to you.
-Theresa: T, I saved the best for last with you. You are a miraculous creature. I appreciate many things about you. I appreciate that you put your children in awful matching outfits, which usually have animal prints or big gaudy flowers. I appreciate that you are bound to make Gia your little modeling meal ticket, and most importantly I appreciate whatever product you put in your hair to make you not really have a forehead, because it works great. You are my idol New Jersey housewife, and I have no doubt that you children’s hair will grow long and take over their eyebrows one day as yours does. Mazel Tov.