The weekend of independence is past us, and I, eating hamburgers the size of my face and drinking margaritas poolside am once again happy to be American. But before the fireworks were lit this weekend and your Uncle Joey passed out in a lawn chair wear stars and stripes sunglasses, Sarah Palin dropped a huge bomb when she said she would not be up for re-election for governor of Alaska and was in fact, planning on resigning.
Now, I’m not going to sit here lying to you saying that I’m heartbroken for the state of Alaska, because I’m not. I do not enjoy Sarah Palin except when I need a good laugh. She is the equivalent to the act of cow tipping for me (or shall we say moose tipping, can you tip a moose?). You know its stupid to go stand in a field of cows all night, but something about waiting for them to fall asleep and then see them knock over flat on their back just never gets old. Every time Sarah Palin opens her mouth, I wait for her to tip over on her back, and when that doesn’t happen the words coming out of her mouth are equally as amusing.
With her resignation one word pops into my head: scandal. Why, would a woman who was terrifyingly close to becoming vice president and who has discussed running for president in the next election, unload her shotgun and call it a day? It simply doesn’t make sense. The following reasons below are possible scenarios to way Palin is stepping down.
- Sex tape. It could happen. Her and John McCain? Ew, I almost vomited just typing that. But it could happen. And her defense would be something retarded like she felt she was being forced to experience socialism because of Obama, or she was confused because she wasn’t in Alaska where it never gets dark and mistaked John for Todd and now all cities should enforce 24 hour electricity.
- She wants to Twitter more and just can’t get around to it with all of her governmental duties. Right now she Twitters about fishing a lot, because that’s what people really care about. Salmon.
- The girl honestly just wants to belly up on her porch with a Bud and her rifle, shooting quail, or whatever flies in the skies over there in Wasilla. I’m all for some hibernation, but if you’re going to blame the media for quitting, that really just doesn’t cut it. Wasn’t John McCain blamed for having an illegitimate black child? Not to mention Obama was made out to be a terrorist for about half of his campaign. If you’re going to play with the fellas Sar, you really gotta get some balls. If you want to shoot quail, just say so. I bet people would be happy with that decision than the idea of you doing mysterious things in the other 48 states that you claim to be doing.
- She wants to get new glass frames, but it scared the public might not approve.
- Hillary Clinton and Matt Damon sent her a bag of poop on her doorstep and a death note. I’d throw in the towel after that too.
- She is deciding to use her free time to pick a newspaper and read it. Suddenly, scanning NY Times “Most Blogged About” isn’t cutting it for her anymore.
Sadly I do not think this will be the last we hear from Palin, but I hope it is. Until she resurfaces, I will entertain myself with my other favorite Republican: Meghan McCain. Like in this clip, when she gets railed by Bill Maher and Co. Thank you Meghan for filling the void in my heart that was once amused by Sarah Palin.