Love and Tucker Max…because they go together

I was a bit of a Bitter Betty Sunday, I won’t lie. After a weekend where all my friends decided to do every fun activity in one night to then have to transport myself between these aforementioned activities in the most disgusting, windy rain you’ve ever seen by Sunday, I wanted to lie in bed all day and dive face first into a pint of Ben and Jerry’s Half Baked. And I had planned to do that, until I woke up and saw how nice it was outside. Ok, I thought, Vitamin D will be good for me. I will lay in the park and people watch until I feel better about life. So I went.

I trek to the park in my people watching sunglasses, aka sunglasses that take up 89% of your face so really only the tip of your nose gets tan but you have maximum ocular privacy to blatantly stare at people, ready to get my tan on. As I lay down I realize I was laying next to the same girl I saw yesterday in the park…whom my sister and I deemed “Black Beauty.” For short, I shall call her BB. Well, BB called a friend to lay out with her today, who also brought her sweaty, panting dog along. It took about ten minutes for me to figure out that BB wasn’t at Sheep’s Meadow for some sun, ohhh no no. She was there for some tail, and I’m not talking about sweaty, panting dog’s tail.

The dog just happened to wander in the direction of a boy donning a sweat band, bronzing himself on a towel nearby. “Oh my gawddd” shrieked BB, “I am SO sorry he is bothering you!” Oh puhleeze. That is the oldest one in the book. Regardless sweatband man fell right for it. “You know, I usually don’t like little dogs…but this one is just sooo cool!” Again, vomit. Plus the fact that it’s not even her dog!

Needless to say BB and SM (sweat band man) strike up a convo as the dog chewed on his water bottle. About ten minutes later, the friend (who actually owned the dog) left, because really her job was done. Where can I find a friend like that? I mean, she could have been paid, it’s a serious possibility.

And just in case the dog didn’t seal the deal, SM immediately commented on BB’s book of choice which was a total decoy because she was reading TUCKER MAX. Ok, I admit in a sick and twisted way I liked Tucker Max, but never EVER would I bring it out in public to read.  No respectable girl does that, they just don’t. You read that shit on Christmas vacation, in your bedroom or MAYBE on a train, only if you are masking it behind a copy of The Notebook. But noo, BB brought Tucker right out in broad daylight, so she could prove to SM that she was succchhhh a cool girl because she though Tucker Max was “soo funny!” So these two are chatting about what a dick Tucker Max is and how he can’t believe he treated girls that way (newsflash: it’s a book. Tucker Max is lying) and BB is just soaking it all up.

Well, that was really enough regurgitation for me in one day. Though I have to admit, although cynical and bitter it was a bit endearing to see these two dimwits fall head over heels for each other. It reminded me of sweet, simple times where all you need is a beach towel, cocoa oil and a little bit of luck…kind of like the Jersey Shore.

More importantly, this enforces my point that I need a dog to live in this city. I just do. And it has to be a badass dog. One time I dog sat for a friend and was so excited to take my faux dog to the park and pick up some hotties, however, the only thing my rented Maltese and I attracted were old ladies with animal crackers in their pockets (not like I was complaining as they fed me animal crackers). So no Maltese, Poodles or teacup anything.

In fact, I’m going big. Like, really BIG. When I get a dog, it will be a Mastiff. Look at this thing! It’s an obese person with fur!


My dog will not only be a great conversation starter with guys and their little bitch Rottweilers, it would eat BB and her little dog too (insert evil witch laugh here)! Watch out Central Park, here I come with my furry little Yeti.


1 Comment

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One response to “Love and Tucker Max…because they go together

  1. JBM

    This is an ultimatum… if you get a big dog, I’m gone, gone, gone. And I will secretly try to kill it.

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