Barbie Loses Her Ken. Sigh. And Tuna is Still Fish, Not Chicken

Ok, now I’ll talk about Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo, but only because John Mayer got involved. Sometimes, when I reflect on my life and think about all the things that are going astray, a single thought comes into my head- at least I’m not Jessica Simpson.  And it’s true, because when things get bad you have to remind yourself that Jess has always had it slightly worse. Sure, she has millions of dollars but she’s also had her divorce basically broadcasted on national television (not to mention her stupidity), has been seen as the scarlet A for the Dallas Cowboys AND has Joe Simpson as a father. So in the end, would you rather have her money or a dad whose hair has so much product in it does not blow in the wind and who may or may not inappropriate touch his daughters? That’s what I thought.

Poor Jess got her heart stomped on by Tony Romo this past week on the night of her 29th birthday. She was so upset she had to cancel her Ken and Barbie themed birthday party! Well, naturally because you can’t be Barbie and show up to the party without Ken. However, why you are having a birthday party that would equally be as acceptable for a 12 year old to have when you are on the brink of 30 is beyond me. I’ll blame that on your father, as I’m sure he had something to do with it when he helped you pick out your teeny tiny Barbie outfit.

What’s comical is what Romo’s teammate says about the breakup to Us Weekly. “I didn’t give her no flack,” Dallas safety Ken Hamlin said. “Every time I met her, I had nothing negative to say about her. She did a good job.” She did a good job? By keeping the middle of the field open and driving the ball home? This is a relationship buddy, not a Hail Mary play on the field. You do realize you are talking about a girl and not a teammate, right?

But now there is another piece to the puzzle, and his name is John Mayer. Rumors say that Romo really dumped Jess when he found text messages on her phone from John Mayer. How this is possible I don’t know, because that would mean he would have to stop Twittering for 20 seconds long enough to send the damn thing (seriously, he blows up my Twitter feed. I get it John, you have no friends).  And by looking at some of Mayer’s tweets, this can only foreshadow what he was texting to Jess. Take a looksy.

@johncmayer

-Dream-tweeting from inside my nap. This is really fantastic. I am a merman and my scales don’t start until after my balls, so, yay there.

-paying for sex in baby carrots. #thingsthatwillbelegalinthefuture

-I just made myself laugh thinking about a TV show about a time-traveling chronic masturbator.

Oh yes, good stuff. I’m sure his texts were much similar. They probably went something like this:

-“Send me pic of your boobs”

-“Can I pay you for sex in baby carrots?”

-“Can I not pay you for sex at all?”

-“Wait, forgot. . . who is this?”

Poor Jess, dumped because of John Mayer. But with every closed door another one opens and maybe, just MAYBE now that Nick and Vanessa have broken up and you are back in the market my favorite celebrity couple can get back together-and all would be right in the world again.

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