Fam Vacay ’09 AKA Spring Break USA

Oh lawdy lawd, where do I even begin. First, I’ve been missing! Have you noticed? Did you lay awake at night and run several near death scenarios in your head of what may or may not be happening to me? Is she dangling off the cliff of a mountain in the Alps? Or perhaps a rare breed of sea monkey in the Red Sea has bitten her. Maybe her parachute didn’t open on a rescue sky diving trip in Egypt and she’s stuck in a tree. IS SHE GOING TO MAKE IT EATING JUST TREE BARK AND GNATS?!

Fear not, for none of these things actually happened. I was indeed in a terrifying place—Ocean City Maryland. I know what you are thinking…what is so scary about OCMD? Have you ever been there? Because if you have, you will have witnessed first hand the type of vacationer that goes to this land of sand and surf. And let me tell you…it ain’t pretty. Never in my life have I seen so many toothless mothers, fathers with their tractors tattooed on their chests and children whose middle, first or last names are “Bubba.”

To kick off the weekend, I wanted to act a little crazy. Why not. Family vacay 09 OCMD WOOOO TAKE YOUR TOP OFF. So I made my sister hop on the crazy train to enjoy what I thought would be a low-key beverage on a raft in the bay at Seacrets. False. Very, very false. Perhaps Seacrets is low key on let’s say a Wednesday afternoon…but at 4p.m. on a Saturday it is anything but. We got to the bar and it was obvious we were about eight hours behind on our drinking game. In fact, I don’t think these creatures ever left the bar from the night before…I saw a few suspect sparkle tops that looked like they saw the sun rise.

So we venture into the bay to enjoy a frozen treat. Oy VEY is all I can say to this. What is more amusing than putting 300 drunk people in the sand? Putting them on flotation devices in THE BAY. This was the equivalent to my Cancun Spring Break experience, but in the states. People were slurring, cups were spilling in the bay, test tubes were floating around (I silently prayed they once had vodka in them, and not sperm or pee) and it was all around one big sloppy mess. People legit could not even stand up. Thankfully the bay water only really went up to your kneecap so it was still acceptable to laugh when the drunk girls fell down, as there was no real danger they would drown.

And sadly, that was the highlight of the trip. We did take my mother to the water park, and though that was amusing it really did not hold a flame to my brief Seacrets encounter.

So fret not, here I am…no bark tree was ingested (as far as I know) nor did I have to use banana leaves as toilet paper on my trails.

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